Adventures In Babysitting

For having no children, I consider myself to be pretty good with kids.  My one limit, is poopy diapers.  Pee, fine, poop, no thanks.  I have avoided them like the plague for several years up until this weekend, when I got thrown in the deep end.

Due to a death in the the family, the wife and I were watching our 11yr old niece, 6yr old niece, and 2yr old nephew.  All was going well, and I was watching the 6yr old and 2yr old at the playground.  We had walked about 20min (or 50min at a 2yr old’s pace) to our location.

It started off with a warning shot: “I have to go potty” says the 6yr old.  I asked the 2yr old if he needed to go potty, a firm “no” left this as an easy to handle situation.  Porta-Potty was the closest and (debatably) most sanitary option.  The smell wasn’t bad, especially for having lacrosse games the day before.  Perhaps, in my luck, they had been cleaned the night before, or this morning.  I gave a spit shine to the seat, and made a toilet paper nest that an eagle may have mistaken for home.  Quite proud of myself? Yes, but I failed to recognize the warning shot as being such.  While waiting on the 6yr old, I got the look from the 2yr old.

“Uncle, I have to go potty”
“Ok, do you need to go poo poo, or pee pee”
“Both”

Shots fired, man down.

The 6yr old finished, so I braved back in for round two.  A new eagles nest was manufactured in record time, and then came my biggest surprise: Porta-Pottys are not made for 2yr old butts.  Having my nephew pants down and draped over the toilet, it was now time to do what I think I do best: Conjure a solution to a problem, as quickly as possible.  My solution?  Hold the nephew under his arm pits, to keep him hovering over the toilet, while I pull a squat to keep him at the right height.  There is a hidden camera around, and this is a game show right?  Now, there were several points that I failed to realize not having been put in a situation like this: 2yr olds get distracted and take a long time to poop, and my nephew is not a light 2yr old.  In fact he is ~40lb, and resting in my karate chop positioned hands, while I do a full squat.

“Uncle, please don’t let me fall in”
“OK, I won’t, don’t worry” (must have been repeated 10 times)

Meanwhile every 30 seconds I get the “Are you guys done in there yet?!?” from the 6yr old, yearning for the playground and not having any idea of the trauma which is unfolding a foot from her.  I hear a plop, SUCCESS!! He is done, and tells me so!  Pee time though.  Now, it quickly comes to my attention that in these extremely cramped quarters, that he is not tall enough to use the toilet or the urinal.  Luckily though, Porta-Pottys seem to be designed for this situation.  I simply stood him up on the toilet seat area and let him have away at it!

Great success for a potty training 2yr old, bullet dodged for this man.

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